Facebook Funniest

All these times that I've shared my funny Facebook friends I've left the most hilarious person out! How I overlooked this fabulous person I don't know.

So are you ready??

Here we go.

It's ME!!!!!

If you think I'm funny here you should see me when I get on Facebook and Twitter. I have them rolling in the aisles.

Here are a few of my favorites.

*For each sneeze that I have today I have a mini ab workout. I should have a 6 pack by morning.

*I'm home with the only democrat in our house. I'm not sure how she feels about health care reform but at the moment she just feels sick.

*I decided today was the day to clean out the attic. After all, it's been 9 years. We've accumulated enough to either start our own country or have a garage sale.

*I'm definitely counting the upcoming Wal-Mart trip toward my calorie burning today. If I buy a lot and run down the aisles with the cart I think I can get some good numbers. Stay tuned for how this theory works out.

*I just filled up my car for the 5th time in 13 days. Great way to kiss $300 goodbye.

*I was chased by a roadrunner today. No lie.

*I wonder if this is why I have a weight problem. I wanted clementines for breakfast and we're out...so I had a waffle.

*Let it be known-Princess Bride never gets old. Never. That is all.

*I honestly believe that Junior Mints and a Sonic Diet Dr Pepper with cherry and easy ice would make me feel 100% better. Anyone feel led to purchase and deliver??

Let me just say, one friend commented and said if she'd known earlier she would have. Another friend sent me a text and said she was out and would be over soon. Don't I have the best friends??

*I would like to know who hit me in the head with a 2 x 4 while I was sleeping.

Here are a few responses: The 2 x 4 fairy?? - I'm so sorry. Did I get the wrong house? My apologies.

*I've eaten 18 clementines in the last two and a half days. I expect to look like I have an 80's spray tan soon. In unrelated news...I need a manicure.

*I just fried two pounds of bacon. My house, and quite possibly the block, smell terrific.

*When Hootie became a country singer did he leave the Blowfish floundering?

*I am living in a house with no milk, eggs, butter, cereal, or oatmeal. That frightens me to my very core.

*I just found out it's a lot easier to treat your family to donuts when your purse is in the car when you get to the donut place.

*I am cracking up that McKinley just texted "No oyster oy" to someone because even though her eyes are dilated she insists she can see.

*My steroid says to take after supper. Since I'm not eating at my Grandma's, I don't exactly know when that is.


Really and truly, I crack myself up!

Facebook Funnies

It's that time again! Time to share some of my hilarious Facebook friends with you. I know you've been missing it.

Mark. Oh Mark. My friend from high school who I now serve on a Board with. He has one of the driest humors of anyone I know. He just throws things out that make me snort.

-I was just sitting on the toilet installing the game of Craps on my phone. Now THAT is ironic.

-Why are the bags of Raisins resealable? Are they afraid they might dry out?

-Skorts are to clothing what a mullet is to hair. Business in the front and party in the back.

-Ever wonder if the words "it cannot be contained" ever get mad or feel slighted and replaced by the word "uncontainable"?

-Loving the famous condiment ketchup while hating real tomatoes is a lot like loving Hannah Montana but not liking the real Miley Cyrus.

-I am all for second chances. But Cured Ham? I think i would prefer to know exactly what former disease the poor pig suffered from before placing it in my mouth.


Bailee-my friend Kristi's daughter. She is a beautiful human being who cracks me up. Her constant drastic hairdo changes and sense of fashion make me wish I could grow up and be her.

-Oh man, God definitely has a fairly twisted sense of humor. That or he's using me as a test subject for how much a person can take before going nutty.

-needs a caffeine i.v. .....Stat. I think i'm flat-lining.

-is sipping wine with a psychic. No seriously.

-can't wait till Valentines day. It's gonna be a bloody massacre. You'll see. There will be pictures.

-hates mornings with a fiery passion that can never be quenched.


Julie-I went to high school with Julie. She cracked me up every single minute of every single day. Thanks to Facebook she still does!

-My son learned to tie a full Windsor from a youtube video. Technology is amazing! Anyone have a link to a video about how to clean your room?

-Cinderella was a shoe-in for the crown.

-I have decided if I grow old and haven't traveled as much as I'd like, I would ask the assistance of my friends to help me fulfill that dream. Just cremate me and ship me UPS to each other. When I arrive at your house, throw a party and send me on. Thank you in advance.

-According to my scale, the 13 cookies I ate last night weighed a pound and a half.

-Stop making funny posts people! I'm trying to take a test and don't have the self-restraint not to reply.

-Ordering "chicks on a raft and a cup of mud." maybe I'll just have "dough well-done with a cow to cover." Naw. Eighty-six that. (Anyone speak diner lingo?)



Karen-Our middle school secretary.

-Driving around today with my top down. Beautiful weather!! Then I remembered that I don't have my Firebird with T-tops anymore. Maybe that's why people were looking at me.

-Watching GI Jane this afternoon. I'm glad Demi Moore made that movie so I didn't have too.

-So the vacuum caught on fire today. That sucks.

-Why is it ok for a guy who has man-boobs to go without a bra?



Amy-I grew up with Amy and always knew she was funny!

-A personal trainer individual I know said in regards to losing weight the First Rule: Stop putting so much freaking food in your pie hole. (Well, he said it nicer than I did.)

-I am terribly non-photogenic...I really don't like that about myself. I've come to terms with the rest of me...but still I wish I could take a nice picture.

-Dear Current and Future Teachers of Campbell: Could you please commission the help of Jack White, The Edge, and Jimmy Page to teach all subjects deemed "boring" to Middle School boys. Also, have them hold guitars and occasionally play a rif in order to give mathematics/reading comprehension/social studies/science more credence. Sincerely, Mom

-is not a fan of crack sweat.

-My afternoon of shuttle service begins in a few minutes...I despise toting children around...it really sucks...I think my mother was insane for having 6 children...but perhaps that is why she put 17 years between the 1st and the last...so she could make someone else drive. Campbell is as tall as a short woman...maybe we could get him to drive...

-Okay...it's Friday...what new stupidity of Amy's can we discuss today...Oh, I once told a co-worker to, "Mellow out and stop shaking so much". Some of you smart folks have already figured out...he had Parkinson's Disease. There really is no way out of that one gracefully.


So now do we all understand why I have a slight addiction to Facebook?? Good, now someone explain it to my husband:c)

Another Reason I Think Facebook Should Be Sainted

I think we all know by now how much I love Facebook. It has reconnected me with old friends and family. But what it has also done is introduce me to family that I haven't met. Like Amy. Mutual family members led me to her and I'm so glad it happened! When I found out she also blogged, I was giddy. You can learn a lot about a person on Facebook, but on a blog there's a lot more. Can I just say, she amazes me. She and her family run an orphanage in Africa. Her daily life is so vastly different from mine that I read in complete awe.

Recently in reading I found out she's coming to the states on a fundraising trip. To Texas!! I typed a comment so fast that I had to re-type it three times because I kept messing up. I get to meet her soon! Shawn completely understands my desire and has told me I can drive anywhere to meet her. I love that man! I'm just waiting for her to get her schedule and let me know when and where.

Until then I'm on the edge of my seat in anticipation.

And yes, I do think Facebook should be sainted!

Facebook Funnies

It's that time again. Time to share some of my funny friends with you. I look forward to their status updates every day.

Jonathan-I met him last year when he and his son joined the All-State group that made the trip out of town. He was the only dad and he handled it very well. In the first day he had pushed a car up an icy slope while holding onto the owner who slipped while pushing. He then drove several of us to dinner and then kidnapped us when his GPS went wacky and we off-roaded for a while. Every time he greets me he calls me by my full Facebook name. First, maiden, and last. I can't help but laugh. When I asked his middle name so I could return the favor he told me it was 'Danger'.

I'm not entirely sure, but I think he might be obsessed with Chuck Norris. See what you think.

-Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness, and possibly foot sized bruises on the face.

-Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.

-Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Cesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb.

-When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

-Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

-Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your butt, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.



Karen-I shared her last time. Her dry humor gets me every time!

-Just let people think you're an idiot instead of opening your mouth and proving it.

-Facebook wants me to write on my daughter's wall to "re-connect" with her. How connected does Facebook want us. She acts like me. She looks like me. She's got my DNA. What else does Facebook want from me?

-ya know the expression "looks like he's been beat with an ugly stick"? well, it's been upgraded to "looks like he's been beaten with a 9 iron"

-Don't let this out of the bag....but this weekend Mike and I are gonna crash a big party in Washington DC, have pictures and video taken and then try to say it never happened. OH....and I'm gonna brag about it on my Facebook page.

-washes her mouth out with chocolate every time I say the word exercise.



Mark-I've known Mark since middle school. He was funny then but now, watch out! He cracks me up every time I see him. We serve on a board together and he always has something funny to say at meetings. I sometimes type my own status updates wondering if it's funny enough to get a comment from him.

-Why do girls need a special bra just to do push ups?

-I got EXACTLY what i wanted for my Birthday....i stopped at Coit's and got me 3 orders of crispy bacon! It is all gone but every few minutes i sniff my fingers just to relive the delicious memory.

-My "BirthWEEK" celebration goes from December 1st until December 7th. Feel free to celebrate my birth anytime during "BirthWEEK". I love Mexican food so feel free to lift a nacho or a taco up in the air in my honor.

-I replaced both faucets in the kids' bathroom, and i rebuilt the kitchen sink faucet. With all of the plumbing i did i am suddenly getting the urge to show people my crack.

-Our health is failing us all probably because we don't use suppositories anymore. When we were kids it didn't matter if we had an upset stomach, a fever or a skinned knee, we got a suppository for it. I heard that word last night (bet you are wondering how that came up in conversation) and man it brought back a lot of suppressed memories.

-Nothing good can happen if you fail to replace the empty toilet paper roll.

-"The cool thing about FaceBook is that you can say anything and assign to quote to anyone." - Abraham Lincoln


John-He is lucky enough to be married to the Elizabeth I blogged about last time. I didn't know he had this sense of humor until we became Facebook friends. I've enjoyed every moment since.

-I'm like Costco. I'm big, I'm not fancy and I dare you to not like me.

-I reserve the right to peel my hard boiled eggs at my desk.

-I do whatever the voices in my wife's head tell me to do.

-the golf course is calling my name. A little louder please my wife can't hear you.

-filet with my mignon and a glass of merlot. Oh yeah.



David-We grew up at the same church but he is much older than me:) We also worked at Golden Bell together and I am not ashamed to say that I had a bit of a crush on him. He's also this guy.

-Due to my love of honky tonk country music and men's fashion, I have been officially called "metrorednexual".

-I've cleared it with my wife, but should she die prematurely, I have been cleared to pursue Carrie Underwood as my next wife. Strictly for her speaking skills, of course.

-in Birmingham, Alabama. Home of where I almost got killed by lightening 2 years ago, and home of Sam Bradford's surgically repaired shoulder. Ahhh, the memories!



Julie-we grew up going to school together. She has, and still is, one of the most fun people I have ever been around. She is the person responsible for the name tags in this post.

-what do you give someone who has everything? Hmmmm .... a burglar alarm!

-if today is yesterday's tomorrow what did you promise to do tomorrow yesterday?

-Are you kidding? So, I see hundreds of "Meet Single Guys" ads on FB. But in one of them - the guy is cute, but wait! There's a guy's arm around his shoulder. What!? You're kidding! Who puts these things together?

-Christmas brings the big question of where to pay how much for how many of which kind of what to give to whom.

-Redemption comes in various forms. I love having a teenager that can make ice cream runs to the store!

-he who laughs last is probably the one who intended to tell the story later.


Really, this is the reason I spend too much time on Facebook! Wouldn't you?

Facebook Funnies

I am blessed to have over 700 friends on Facebook. I personally know all but two of them. I don't add people who I don't know, even if we have friends in common. But I made an exception for two amazing bloggers who I follow.

Ree Drummond & Kelly.

I love them both and knew they were trustworthy.

The others are friends from school, church, summer jobs, vacations, or family. I have loved catching up with everyone and finding what became of them after they left my life. Well, some people I see every day of my life, they're just double blessings:)

I get daily laughs from several of them when I read their status updates. I just have to share.

Steve-we worked together at Golden Bell. He asked me once to give him a haircut. He didn't care at all that I'd never done it before. Sure made for a fun afternoon!

-justifies Pop Tart® consumption: they now come with 20% USRDA of fiber! Eureka!!! So all of us need to eat five a day!!!

-figures that those teensy weensy places that you cut while shaving are somehow connected directly to your aorta. Seriously – there’s an ensuing bloodbath. The hotel staff is going to think I cleaned up after a murder. I’m going to come back to my ...hotel with crime-scene tape on my door. CSI Marriott…

-finds that 4 out of every 3 people have difficulty with fractions.

-wonders if swines get Human Flu... hmmm..

-seeks for a longer palindrome than: Go hang a salami Im a lasagna hog Anyone?


Elizabeth-we go to Sunday School together. She has a laugh that startles people but makes me start laughing until I cry!

-Convinced her doctor that SURELY this weight gain is the result of a thyroid condition. Just left the lab with fingers crossed....I also asked her to make a copy of a recipe out of a magazine that was in the exam room. Do you think I was sending mixed messages? :)

-Is going on record to say that if the school day is lengthened and schools are open on weekends, I quit. Bad idea, Mr. President.

-Has concluded that okay, maybe she is a little dingy. Is there a support group?

-Is watching Biggest Loser and thinking maybe she really should skip the Oreos tonight....


John-I also worked with him at Golden Bell. He met his future wife there and they eventually settled near us. They are the parents of the amazing Mitchell.

-Kanye West just called! He sez that President Obama also deserves Taylor Swifts VMA! Man, if Obama can win the Heisman & the Neville Chamberlain Distinguished service medal this year it will be quite an awards season haul! This presents a very ...practical dilemma for the press: How to capture all the greatness that IS Tebow and Obama in a single photo/video! Believe!!

-wow. the stuff you see on a tropical vacation is mind boggling! apparently, a large # of cruise ship and resort rooms don't come with mirrors. i need a camera crew!

-hello stress...can you please get off my neck. i think there is a legit chance that i have been in a-fib for most of this week.


Deanne-this girl and I have a fun story! We met on the Weight Watchers message boards, became myspace friends, and then both ended up as friends on Facebook. Interesting how she always found me...anyway. We just met in person last month after years of talking about doing it. She's a blast!

-OMGracious! Pumpkin Spice creamer, oh how I missed you so. I could just hug my coffee.

- There's a dead, beheaded body in my garage. (Luckily it was a deer. Unluckily, she posted a picture.)

-is currently torturing the DirecTV guy with "my" music. lol. Take that!


Karen-her husband used to be on staff at our church and she is the secretary at our middle school.

-Do Chinese people get English sayings tattooed on their bodies?

-feels like I've been ate by a coyote and crapped off a cliff.

-carries a lighter. I don't smoke; I just really like certain songs.

-Bummer! I was counting on going to Chicago in 2016. Now what am I going to do that week?

-Kanye West interrupted my status update and said Beyonce's was better. Dangit!

-Mike: I think I'm gonna put my name on my license plate. Alex: Mom does the same thing to my underwear. Mike: Mom puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit down?

-'s principal is undermining the middle school one box of donuts at a time.


Lisa-oh Lisa. She was the kindergarten teacher for all of my girls. Working in her classroom was a weekly treat. She introduced me to her mother by saying, "This is Stephanie. I love her. She gets my humor." How can you not love that!

-wonders how much bacteria is growing in Paula Dean's diamond rings.

-If you're the person who bought all the boys 6-18 month size socks at Wal-Mart in the last 24 hours...I'm looking for you!

-What does it say about me that I am so excited about big trash day next week that I can hardly think about anything else?

-has good news to report. For the 1st time ever, I bought a potted plant in May and it has survived until September. I am emerging as a gardener!

-is wondering if EVERYONE is sick. Boy, for some of you, I'm glad our relationship is just virtual.

-received a $1.43 rebate check from Sallie Mae today. It seems that I overpaid on my student loan. Interestingly enough, I paid that off 3 years ago. Where is my 4% interest compounded annually on that like they charged me? I could get a meal deal instead of just the Route 44.

-'s husband came home early and caught me...Dusting! Whew-hoo!

-has an important announcement for all medical professionals and scientific sorts. I have recently cleaned out my refrigerator and have run into some cultures that I think could have great significance. Please let me know if you are interested in my specimens.


See how blessed I am?! I have people like this making me laugh on a daily basis. I try every day to be as off the wall and funny as them.

Wish me luck.