Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Facebook Funnies

It's that time again. Time to share some of my funny friends with you. I look forward to their status updates every day.

Jonathan-I met him last year when he and his son joined the All-State group that made the trip out of town. He was the only dad and he handled it very well. In the first day he had pushed a car up an icy slope while holding onto the owner who slipped while pushing. He then drove several of us to dinner and then kidnapped us when his GPS went wacky and we off-roaded for a while. Every time he greets me he calls me by my full Facebook name. First, maiden, and last. I can't help but laugh. When I asked his middle name so I could return the favor he told me it was 'Danger'.

I'm not entirely sure, but I think he might be obsessed with Chuck Norris. See what you think.

-Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness, and possibly foot sized bruises on the face.

-Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.

-Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Cesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb.

-When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

-Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

-Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your butt, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Karen-I shared her last time. Her dry humor gets me every time!

-Just let people think you're an idiot instead of opening your mouth and proving it.

-Facebook wants me to write on my daughter's wall to "re-connect" with her. How connected does Facebook want us. She acts like me. She looks like me. She's got my DNA. What else does Facebook want from me?

-ya know the expression "looks like he's been beat with an ugly stick"? well, it's been upgraded to "looks like he's been beaten with a 9 iron"

-Don't let this out of the bag....but this weekend Mike and I are gonna crash a big party in Washington DC, have pictures and video taken and then try to say it never happened. OH....and I'm gonna brag about it on my Facebook page.

-washes her mouth out with chocolate every time I say the word exercise.

Mark-I've known Mark since middle school. He was funny then but now, watch out! He cracks me up every time I see him. We serve on a board together and he always has something funny to say at meetings. I sometimes type my own status updates wondering if it's funny enough to get a comment from him.

-Why do girls need a special bra just to do push ups?

-I got EXACTLY what i wanted for my Birthday....i stopped at Coit's and got me 3 orders of crispy bacon! It is all gone but every few minutes i sniff my fingers just to relive the delicious memory.

-My "BirthWEEK" celebration goes from December 1st until December 7th. Feel free to celebrate my birth anytime during "BirthWEEK". I love Mexican food so feel free to lift a nacho or a taco up in the air in my honor.

-I replaced both faucets in the kids' bathroom, and i rebuilt the kitchen sink faucet. With all of the plumbing i did i am suddenly getting the urge to show people my crack.

-Our health is failing us all probably because we don't use suppositories anymore. When we were kids it didn't matter if we had an upset stomach, a fever or a skinned knee, we got a suppository for it. I heard that word last night (bet you are wondering how that came up in conversation) and man it brought back a lot of suppressed memories.

-Nothing good can happen if you fail to replace the empty toilet paper roll.

-"The cool thing about FaceBook is that you can say anything and assign to quote to anyone." - Abraham Lincoln

John-He is lucky enough to be married to the Elizabeth I blogged about last time. I didn't know he had this sense of humor until we became Facebook friends. I've enjoyed every moment since.

-I'm like Costco. I'm big, I'm not fancy and I dare you to not like me.

-I reserve the right to peel my hard boiled eggs at my desk.

-I do whatever the voices in my wife's head tell me to do.

-the golf course is calling my name. A little louder please my wife can't hear you.

-filet with my mignon and a glass of merlot. Oh yeah.

David-We grew up at the same church but he is much older than me:) We also worked at Golden Bell together and I am not ashamed to say that I had a bit of a crush on him. He's also this guy.

-Due to my love of honky tonk country music and men's fashion, I have been officially called "metrorednexual".

-I've cleared it with my wife, but should she die prematurely, I have been cleared to pursue Carrie Underwood as my next wife. Strictly for her speaking skills, of course.

-in Birmingham, Alabama. Home of where I almost got killed by lightening 2 years ago, and home of Sam Bradford's surgically repaired shoulder. Ahhh, the memories!

Julie-we grew up going to school together. She has, and still is, one of the most fun people I have ever been around. She is the person responsible for the name tags in this post.

-what do you give someone who has everything? Hmmmm .... a burglar alarm!

-if today is yesterday's tomorrow what did you promise to do tomorrow yesterday?

-Are you kidding? So, I see hundreds of "Meet Single Guys" ads on FB. But in one of them - the guy is cute, but wait! There's a guy's arm around his shoulder. What!? You're kidding! Who puts these things together?

-Christmas brings the big question of where to pay how much for how many of which kind of what to give to whom.

-Redemption comes in various forms. I love having a teenager that can make ice cream runs to the store!

-he who laughs last is probably the one who intended to tell the story later.

Really, this is the reason I spend too much time on Facebook! Wouldn't you?


Cozyflier said...

I'm crushed! Guess I'll have to work on my FB status reports!

Happy Holidays!

McVal said...

How funny! I'm going to have to spend more time on Facebook and find funnier friends!